You are techY podcast

[00:00:00] Ellen Twomey: You are listening to the You Are TechY Podcast, episode number 173.

[00:00:05] Narrator: Welcome to the You Are TechY podcast, where it’s all about growing in your tech so you can find the tech job of your dreams. And now your host technology learning coach Ellen Twomey. 

All right, so today what we’re gonna talk about is this very important concept, called journaling. And before we dive into that, I wanna share this really. Groundbreaking concept with you that I actually was just listening to Brooke yesterday, so, I don’t agree with everything she says.

[00:00:45] Ellen Twomey: I’ll say that front. you don’t have to agree with everything that people say, but this groundbreaking, quote from Brooke, she was actually talking about it and how it changed her life and how really nothing was the same after she learned this.

She taught me this and I read her book and I was in her coaching program and I listened to her podcast. And, once I learned this, I thought, oh my gosh, I’m just gonna tell everybody that all of your thoughts are choices and then people are gonna just start behaving so much better.

And I’m just gonna tell you, quite just. authentically and from my own life experience, I gave my parents and I, this is a beautiful thing. I love this. My parents and I share books. My parents be like, here, Ellen, read this book. Hey Ellen, can we have a book? And then we kind of exchange.

And so I love that cuz I feel like sometimes, you know, the, they don’t get me, I don’t get them. And so we can share and engage through books. I think it’s a beautiful thing. And I gave my dad Brooke’s self coaching 1 0 1 book, and he like legitimately was angry about it. He hated it. He hated it. He hated the book.

So my dad being one of them, I don’t think everyone just immediately gets this or even agrees with it. But I’ll say that if you are open to this concept that all of your thoughts are choices, if you can be open to that, you can make monumental shifts in your life. And the reason is that you can look at your thoughts and you can hold them outside of yourself.

You can put them in your hand, and you can decide if that is something that you want in your life. So Brooke taught me this concept. All of your thoughts are choices. So just so we’re clear, like I was not a diary kid.

I did not, Grow up writing and I like to tell this funny story and I’ll have my, my sister and my best friend are, she’s, she’s the same person. My sister is my best friend she’s a nurse and her name is Bridget and she. She was a very good student as, as was I, but she refused to do journaling in Mrs. Van SL Bronx Religion class. You’re probably thinking that I just made that name up. come on. I could not come up with that. She refused to journal and so she got a D in religion, so she hates journaling however, Later in life she, I don’t think I was the one who convinced her of this, but she did learn to journal and started journaling and so if can Journal and Ellen can journal, I think that anyone out there can journal.

There’s, we come by this very. Honestly not from people who, I mean I have cousins who they journaled the whole life and it was this beautiful thing. That is not how I do it. I journal like an engineer. So I want to encourage you to journal. And so kind of going back to this idea of all of your thoughts or choices.

Well, how do we even know? We be so frequently of thoughts we’re not even aware of. How do we bring awareness to those thoughts and the. The way that we train our brain to do this. It’s not the only way, but it’s, this is a great training round is journaling. before I move on, I just wanna tell you that journaling is the goal and how you journal is not all that relevant in the beginning at all, really, not even a little bit.

So if, if there, I’m gonna give you a couple ideas on how to journal and if something strikes you and you feel like, wow. I feel like that works for me or you have no idea. So you just try a couple things and then you learn what you like and what you don’t like. So just keep in mind there are different ways to journal and there’s not just one way to do it.

And the other point I wanna make about journaling, cause I really wanna sell you on this idea, is like, so you are developing a relationship with yourself. And the one thing I can tell you is that the more that you are able to develop relationship with yourself, the better off, the more capable you are.

To show up for other people in your life. So I can tell you that when my kids were very young, I had zero relationship with myself, totally lost myself in my kids. I had my only identity was my children. And, that was a lot of pressure, especially for Reagan. She my oldest, 

she could feel it. Because my performance was tied to her performance and re-engaging and learning. And growing in my relationship with myself actually served her, actually helped me to be a better mom. And so I think that is true of every relationship of your, marital relationship, or your sibling relationship, or your coworker’s relationship, or whatever it is.

If you develop a relationship with yourself, you get to decide what you’re gonna be angry about, what you’re gonna be happy about, and what you really care about. And if you really care about something, then you might make different choices about who you spend time with or how much you engage in certain ways.

So journaling, here is a way that people swear by, but I’ve actually never done this, so I, I can’t really advocate it or not advocate it. People swear by morning pages. I have my journal. I use like a really cheap notebook, but I think morning pages you can buy the journal, 

So morning pages is just, you set a timer for 10 minutes and then write your thoughts as they come.

Unfiltered. Let’s the stream of consciousness. Move your pen across the page. So some people find this really, embracing and I would say that, you know, on the Myers Briggs, maybe if you’re an app, this might really resonate with you. Sometimes my students, after looking at a lot of their thoughts and doing a lot of, we call it Brook, will call it mental hygiene.

They don’t have that many thoughts that are coming to them. So one of the things I will say is that you can journal on your goals. So if you’re nothing’s bothering you, you’re like, I dunno, I’ll just think about anything. You can always journal on your goals. That’s me. I’m always moving you towards your goals.

So Morning Pages is an option for Brooke. The way that Brooke does it, and she doesn’t really ever explain it like this, so I’m going to explain it like this. So, for Brooke’s journaling, she uses something called the model. So sh you also set a 10 minute timer and you brain dump what’s annoying you, and you can fill in the word frustrating, angering, whatever.

Or a goal that scares you. So what we’re trying to do is elicit strong emotions in our brain dump. So you really, she again calls it mental hygiene. So you’re just like clearing out This is what’s so great is that oftentimes if we clean out, if we brain dump what’s bothering us, we don’t have to, uh, put that out onto someone else or require someone else to.

Respond in a certain way. So this is something that if I don’t do my mental hygiene, I really notice that a lot with Kevin. I’m expecting him to respond as my husband. I’m expecting him to respond a certain way, and then when he doesn’t, I’m super helpful and letting him know exactly him respond. But the reality is it’s my brain and I can control my thoughts whether he responds that way or not.

Okay. So then you do an unintentional model. And then you do an intentional model. I’m gonna walk you through that. But the big thing is that for number two, the unintentional model is the thought that you have in your brain that you’re looking at. You’re unintentionally thinking this, you might choose to keep it, you might choose to keep it, you might choose not to keep it, but you’re looking at that thought and you’re saying, I’m unintentionally thinking this.

I didn’t even know I was thinking it. Let me bring awareness to it. And then, then the third one, your intentional model. Is is what you’re looking to say, oh, maybe I want this new thought. And what would that bring? And then we’re gonna go over the model in a minute. 

Deciding what to do ahead of time is another component of journaling. So when you are doing the number three, the intentional model, what you are doing is you are deciding what to do ahead of time and then reminding your brain of that again and again and again. So when you decide ahead of time and then no matter what, no matter what happens, no matter where you are in terms of your thought process or your… you’re feeling no matter how you are feeling. Okay, so I, you guys know, I was sick last week. I had the flu, and now I’m sick. I have a cold, but I’m, how am I doing that? How am I showing up? I’m a magician. No, I’m not a magician. I just have decided ahead of time what I’m gonna do and then that is how I behave.

And, that’s a part of this model 

So the model is literally the unintentional and the intentional. It’s the same model, but you’re putting different things in the T line. when I say C line, T line, F line a line, R line that’s shorthand for circumstances, thoughts, feelings, actions, results.

So our circumstances are not changed. So when we write down our circumstance, we want that to be as, factual as possible. So I’m gonna give you an example of something that might elicit a strong emotion. Okay? I’ll just use my own personal example. So, Kevin did not run the dishwasher when I asked to, let’s say that happened.

That totally could have happened last night, but I’m pretty sure he did. Anyway. But let’s say I asked Kevin to run the dishwasher. He did not run the dishwasher. So we’re trying to just lay it out as factually as we can without strong, without adjectives or strong emotions.

We could just say, Kevin didn’t run the dishwasher. And so the thought in an unintentional be like, oh my gosh, what is wrong with them? Why didn’t he do what I say? Why didn’t you run the dishwasher? But then that feeling is going to, what. What is the feeling that’s gonna come outta that? It’s gonna make me feel like angry, right?

I’m gonna be super angry. And then what actions are gonna come outta that? I might be, I might brood, I might complain, I might text him angry, text messages, yell at him, whatever. And then what are the results? We’re mad at each other. so, that’s all unintentional.

But now if I use my intentional model and I’m really looking at the results, You might think, okay, the result is that you wanna have a beautiful, amazing marriage. Well, in this circumstance, it might be, but another thought might be, I’m gonna have an amazing day at work and I’m gonna crush it. what are the actions I need to take?

I need to be taking assertive action from a space of excitement and enthusiasm and energy towards my work. And the feelings that I have are excitement, enthusiasm, and energy. And the thought, Kevin didn’t listen to me, Kevin didn’t, little dishwashers isn’t help me. I, the thought I could have is, I’m focused on work.

The dishwasher will get done when it gets done. And you might say, well, that’s super, okay, well what? Like you just say it and then it is, no. One of the big pieces is in the unintentional model. You need to feel the feelings and then you need to practice holding that thought and changing it, and then feeling new feelings.

And so this whole thing is a practice that is not easy. But it is worth it. It is such a better way to live your life because people do stupid things all the time. Okay. they don’t run the dishwasher or whatever all the time. So every day. I mean,there are seven of us. Do you think all six of my family members are doing what I want all the time?

No, they’re not. And I’m sure that’s true in your life too. Your coworkers, your family. your neighbors. They’re not going to act the way you want them to act all those time. And so what this model teaches us is how we can show up the way that we wanna show up regardless of how people behave.

Then you might say, but there are, there’s injustice in the world and they, people do bad things. They need to be taken. They need to be accountable. Accountable, yes. But you are going to come from a more empowering place if you decide your thought ahead of time and you decide how. You’re going to change hearts and minds as opposed to acting out anger, which might feel good in the moment.

It’s not actually impactful for changing hearts and minds Hey if you enjoy listening to this podcast you have to sign up for the are techie email list Imagine being in the tech job of your dreams Join me to get the strategies training and never ending support To get hired sign up at youaretechy.com That’s Y O U A R E T E C H Y.com I’ll see you next time